New Room.

Lately I have been doing a lot of looking inward, life thinking, and general "reflectivenessing"... sometimes I sound so dumb I want to kick myself, but it is what it is. I will spare you a long boring story and get to the good stuff. I decided that it's time for me to update my room. Right now it is pretty much the same way it has been all through high school (just more things have accumulated) and it makes me feel as if I'm still in high school, which I think is holding me back. I need to de-clutter my room and my mind. I need to start over with a "blank page" so to speak. I believe a new room will help me do that. I simply cannot afford to have my own appartment once school starts, and it's just really practical for me to live at home still (victory for mom!) But I want to move on. I haven't been able to really move past the "high school" phase and feel like a real adult yet. By decorating my room in a more "mature" way, but letting it still have an element of Brittani, I am taking that first step to feeling more grown up. The plans I have for my room really aren't that dramatic, but I can tell it's going to help me in drastic ways.

Today I painted my book case. It was suprisingly emotional, as lame as that makes me sound. I can get really sentimental about my possesions sometimes. Years ago, when my room was "Harry Potter Themed" my dad painted my book case blue. Though my room themes have changed many times that book case has always stayed blue. It was in storage for a number of years, but then we brought it back out again a few years ago and it has still stayed blue. Today I painted it black. The reason this was emotional probably has more to do with associating it with Harry Potter more than anything else... but I couldn't help but feel sad thinking that I was painting over what my dad painted. Which makes me nervous about painting the rest of my room. My book case looks amazing, and I'm sure my room will too, but I have a lot of good memories from this room. It's going to be hard to paint it, but healthy because to me it's an actual thing to mark that I am moving on with my life. Also, I have noticed that when I am painting my thoughts are really constructive and healthy. If I think about something that makes me sad or causes me pain, then I am able to think of a way to move past it. Over the last few years I have been shattered into so many peices and I can finally feel them starting to come back together. To me, this project is more than just a "new room"... it is forgiving those that have hurt me, moving past my mistakes, and learning to forgive myself.

The plan now is to maybe give updates on here about how this process is going, but we will see. Most of the progress I've made so far has been so personal that I wouldn't even dream of putting it on here, but I will see what I can do.